BOUNDARIES: WHEN DO I ENGAGE BOUNDARIES?

GROUP SESSION CONVERSATION GUIDE

 

INTIMACY DISORDER – Intensity is confused for intimacy. Trauma and intensity is linked. Intensity is a dysfunctional way to combat shame.

 

1.  Talk about the VICTIM position.

VICTIM / MARTYR: 

  • A FAILURE TO PROTECT SELF (“POOR ME”)
  • Feels victimized, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed
  • Looks for a Rescuer who will perpetuate their negative feelings
  • If stays in Victim position, will block self from making decisions, solving problems, feeling any pleasure, and self-understanding.
  • Maintains “dejected” stance

 

2.  Talk about the PERSECUTOR position.

PERPETRATOR / OFFENDER: 

  • A FAILURE TO CONTAIN OR LIMIT SELF (“IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT”)
  • Sets strict limits unnecessarily
  • Blames and Criticizes
  • Keeps Victim oppressed
  • Is mobilized by anger
  • Has rigid, authoritative stance
  • Like a “Critical Parent”

 

3.  Talk about the RESCUER position.

RESCUER / ENABLER:

  • A FAILURE TO DEFINE SELF (DEFINES THEMSELVES BY TAKING CARE OF OTHER PEOPLE) (“LET ME FIX/HELP YOU”)
  • Rescues when really doesn’t want to
  • Feels guilty if doesn’t rescue
  • Keeps Victim dependent
  • Gives permission to fail
  • Expects to fail in rescue attempt
  • Like a “Marshmallow Parent”

 

4.  How do we get out of the DRAMA TRIANGLE?

  • BOUNDARIES:  ALWAYS BOUNDARIES! Set and maintain boundaries always. If you don’t, you abdicate the power of free-moral agency; you abdicate “choice.”
  • Share thoughts, feelings, needs and wants honestly and respectfully
  • Let go of outcomes / resentments
  • Look for options and negotiate (if necessary)
  • Set limits
  • Follow through with consequences
Patrick NorrisComment