BOUNDARIES: WHEN DO I ENGAGE BOUNDARIES?
GROUP SESSION CONVERSATION GUIDE
INTIMACY DISORDER – Intensity is confused for intimacy. Trauma and intensity is linked. Intensity is a dysfunctional way to combat shame.
1. Talk about the VICTIM position.
VICTIM / MARTYR:
- A FAILURE TO PROTECT SELF (“POOR ME”)
- Feels victimized, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed
- Looks for a Rescuer who will perpetuate their negative feelings
- If stays in Victim position, will block self from making decisions, solving problems, feeling any pleasure, and self-understanding.
- Maintains “dejected” stance
2. Talk about the PERSECUTOR position.
PERPETRATOR / OFFENDER:
- A FAILURE TO CONTAIN OR LIMIT SELF (“IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT”)
- Sets strict limits unnecessarily
- Blames and Criticizes
- Keeps Victim oppressed
- Is mobilized by anger
- Has rigid, authoritative stance
- Like a “Critical Parent”
3. Talk about the RESCUER position.
RESCUER / ENABLER:
- A FAILURE TO DEFINE SELF (DEFINES THEMSELVES BY TAKING CARE OF OTHER PEOPLE) (“LET ME FIX/HELP YOU”)
- Rescues when really doesn’t want to
- Feels guilty if doesn’t rescue
- Keeps Victim dependent
- Gives permission to fail
- Expects to fail in rescue attempt
- Like a “Marshmallow Parent”
4. How do we get out of the DRAMA TRIANGLE?
- BOUNDARIES: ALWAYS BOUNDARIES! Set and maintain boundaries always. If you don’t, you abdicate the power of free-moral agency; you abdicate “choice.”
- Share thoughts, feelings, needs and wants honestly and respectfully
- Let go of outcomes / resentments
- Look for options and negotiate (if necessary)
- Set limits
- Follow through with consequences